Who is the baddest man on the planet?

If you say Mike Tyson, I will roundhouse kick you back into reality.

If you say anybody other than Chuck Norris, I will beat you into submission.

I’m not talking “Walker Texas Ranger” or “Top Dog” Chuck Norris, I’m talking about “Delta Force,” “Missing in Action,” “An Eye for an Eye,” “Lone Wolf McQuade,” “The Octagon” and a “A Force of One” 1980s Chuck Norris.

In all those movies you wanted to be Chuck Norris, but you didn’t want to be Chuck’s wife/girlfriend or best friend/army buddy/relative because you either got raped, murdered or tortured or a combination of all three.

But, of course, Chuck Norris always came back and avenged any wrong doing. Still, being Chuck Norris’ wife, girlfriend, best friend, army buddy or relative was not the place to be during his prime in the 1980s.

Anyway, I was listening to an old interview Chuck Norris did with the King of All Media Howard Stern in September of 1999 on Howard Stern’s Mastertape Theater this past weekend and it got me to thinking about Chuck Norris-isms.

With the help of History Addict, the Keep Punching blog salutes the baddest dude on the planet. I present to you my top-25 Chuck Norris-isms:

25. Chuck Norris spends hours staring directly into the sun. We call that “night.”

24. Chuck Norris wears bear traps on his feet instead of sandals.

23. Chuck Norris once took sleeping pills. They made him blink.

22.  Chuck Norris’ tears cured cancer. Too bad he never cried.

21. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

You are going to want to keep going. I promise, it gets better.

20. When Chuck Norris falls into water, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

19. Once, Chuck Norris went to the Super Bowl. He beat the Steelers, 45-3.

18. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that actually is “his” way.

17. Chuck Norris never wears a motorcycle helmet. The concrete always scoots out of the way.

16. Chuck Norris came to my BBQ last summer, ate all the red-hot charcoal out of the grill and then proceeded to fart out large diamonds for the ladies in the awestruck crowd.

15. Chuck Norris played a game of Russian roulette with a fully-loaded gun and won.

14. The eternal conundrum “what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object” was finally solved when Chuck Norris punched himself in the face.

13. When an episode of “Walker Texas Ranger” was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

12. When Chuck Norris’ remote control batteries die, the remote continues to function out of pure terror.

11. For every answer on the SAT test, write in “Chuck Norris.” You will automatically score a 1,600.

10. The Titanic sank when it struck Chuck Norris doing laps in the North Atlantic. Chuck Norris would have stopped to save the survivors, but he didn’t notice the impact.

9. Chuck Norris has the greatest poker face of all-time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of jail free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green No.4 Uno card.

8. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

7. Chuck Norris loves Police Academy 2. This is the only reason Steve Guttenberg is still alive.

6. Upon the explosion of the Exxon-Valdez oil tanker in 1989, President Bush asked Chuck Norris to assist in the cleanup. Chuck Norris drank the oil, then he took an Eskimo as his bride. This is where Yeti come from.

5. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

4. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the J.F.K. assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. J.F.K.’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

3. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the Devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the Devil in the face and took his soul back. The Devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

2. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

1. There is no Santa Claus. On Christmas Eve, Chuck Norris circumnavigates the globe in his pickup truck dispensing gifts to good children and roundhouse kicks to bad ones. The children, upon receiving these kicks, die.

Note: In the following film clip you will see another side of “Hollywood” changing reality. Before each fight scene Chuck Norris films (in this case “Way of the Dragon” with Bruce Lee), he is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality of the actors he fights.

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