It's Thanksgiving, so I thought it was a perfect time to thank Chuck Norris for being the most awesome martial artist and human being to grace the face of this planet.

I also want Chuck Norris to know how much I respect him because I live in fear of Chuck Norris repelling down the side of my house, crashing through my living room window and decapitating me with one of his deadly roundhouse kicks.

I also want to state for the record how I feel Chuck Norris has been slighted by the Academy, the Emmys and the Golden Globes. How could these Hollywood snobs not appreciate Chuck Norris' brilliant acting in "Code of Silence," "The Delta Force," "Lone Wolf McQuade," "The Octagon," "Invasion U.S.A.," all the "Missing in Action" movies and "Walker, Texas Ranger." I could go on and on, but you get the point, "The Bearded One" is awesome.

So here are some of my favorite Chuck Norris facts from the New York Times Bestseller "The Truth About Chuck Norris: 400 Facts About the World's Greatest Human":

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People say the truth hurts, but it hurts a hell of a lot more when it comes from Chuck Norris.

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When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have to live.

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Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.

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The sign for Chuck Norris' name in Braille is a middle finger on fire.

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Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Island. Afterward, they were renamed the Islands.

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A cobra once bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

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Chuck Norris takes a baseball bat into the bathroom with him in case he craps out a wildcat and has to beat it to death.

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Rainbows are what happen when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks Richard Simmons.

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Chuck Norris sold his soul to the Devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the Devil in the face and took his soul back. The Devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

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Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard." Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other wise men, jealous of Chuck Norris, used their combined influence to have him omitted from the Bible. Shortly thereafter, all three died roundhouse kick-related deaths.

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When an episode of "Walker, Texas Ranger" aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

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When he was a 7-year-old, Chuck Norris' mom once told him to go and dig to China. He left and returned three weeks later with a second-degree black belt in tae Kwon Doe.

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Originally, Chuck Norris was going to be hired to play the role of Jack Bauer on the TV show "24." The producers changed their minds when they realized the show would last only 17 minutes.

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Chuck Norris coincidentally lives in a round house.

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As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

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Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades and a green number 4 card from the game Uno.

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When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and, when he threw it up a few seconds later, it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

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